In the Path of his Wrath

For longer than I care to admit I have been involved in an abusive relationship.

On any given day, I expect to be – and typically am – yelled at, called names, hit and sometimes, spit upon. I suspect if a friend described such a situation I would advise her to end the relationship immediately.

But what do you do when the relationship is with your six-year-old son?

Max was diagnosed with attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder toward the end of last year. And while he has many of the characteristics that define this disorder (such as difficulty sustaining attention, not appearing to listen, talking excessively and acting as if driven by a motor), it is perhaps the mood instability that has caused the most difficulty for our family.

He is highly impulsive, often irritable, and always impatient. He has a lot of trouble transitioning from one activity to another; without sufficient notice, he melts down. If I don’t make his peanut butter sandwich quickly enough, he barks at me. He has trouble stopping himself from doing things he knows he’s not supposed to: hit his sister, open the car door before it has stopped, and just about anything preceded by “don’t do that again.”

As well versed as I thought I was in ADHD, I had no idea, until Max’s diagnosis, that mood instability was a component. The intensity of his anger, the duration of his rages and the unpredictability of his triggers seemed more in line with a bipolar diagnosis – which he was in fact given by the first professional we consulted.

Three mental health experts and a half a dozen diagnoses later, we learn the source of Max’s problem behaviors is in fact ADHD. Considering the overlap of characteristics between ADHD and bipolar, I understood the misdiagnosis. But it left me questioning and analyzing Max’s every move – “Is this an ADHD behavior or a bipolar behavior?” I asked myself after every one of his episodes.

I’m sure most parents have, at some point, been yelled at, called names, hit and spit upon by their child on occasion. But for parents of special needs children, these behaviors occur, unfortunately, on a regular basis. My husband Dave and I are learning how to better respond to these behaviors and, in turn, Max is getting better at controlling them. Still, there are times when I want to scream back at him and I admit, not proudly, there are times I do. There are days – usually the ones that start at 5:30 a.m. (People with ADHD don’t sleep very much…and neither do their parents.), when it takes every ounce of my strength not to throttle this kid. I find a self-imposed time-out can work wonders.

I’ve said, many times, that if it were my husband treating me this poorly, I’d be out of there. The decision would be easy. But you can’t leave your own child.

When Max loses control of himself, it’s as if he leaves me. He’s someplace else where he can’t hear my calm, quiet voice trying to reason with him or remind him he’s making a poor choice. It’s at these moments when I put him in his room so he can regain control of himself.

When he does, he comes out of his room and he comes back to me.