God and the GameBoy

There’s a Q&A in the Etiquette Corner of the November issue of Child magazine that’s prompted me to write a letter to the editor. It will be a few months before I know if they decide to publish it, so I thought I’d share it here.

First, the question and the advice offered from Miss Manners:

Dear Miss Manners,

At Sunday services, a boy in the next pew played with his handheld video game system (fortunately with the sound off) throughout the liturgy. When the congregation stood during particularly sacred portions of the ceremony, the boy stood playing his video games. Our church uses volunteer ushers whose role it is to maintain decorum, and while the nearest usher glared at the mother, she seemed oblivious. Is there something I might have done or said?

Gentle Reader,

It is no fun to discipline children, and you now have two layers of authority – the parents and the ushers – shirking their jobs. Distracting children by giving them toys and snacks only teaches them that church is just another playroom.

That does not mean that you may step in and do the job, however. At least not directly. Miss Manners does not want to hear of your hissing at the parents or grabbing away whatever they were using to allow the child to amuse himself. That would be rude and probably useless as well. What you can do is bring up the problem with church authorities. But then you must be willing to consider the causes and to suggest a solution. Merely issuing a directive, in the church bulletin or even from the pulpit, is not likely to help. Deprived of their amusements, the children are likely to behave worse.

Why do parents bring children to church when they are not prepared to teach the children to behave respectfully or when the children are too young to be able to do so? Because they want to attend services themselves and cannot arrange weekly babysitting. So when you complain, it would be useful to suggest that the church find volunteers who are willing to watch children during services. Such an arrangement would be an excellent venue for slipping in some lessons about proper church behavior. What these parents may not know is how to play on children’s love of ritual to interest them even more than the same old playthings do.

Here is my response:

Dear Editors,

I’d like to offer another perspective on a situation that was addressed by Miss Manners. (Etiquette Corner, November 2005.)

The advice-seeker was complaining about a boy at her church who was playing with a handheld video game system during the Sunday service. Noise wasn’t the issue as the sound was turned off, but she felt it was inappropriate. She reported that the “usher glared at the mother” who seemed “oblivious” and wanted to know if there was something she could have done or said herself to “maintain decorum.”

In offering her advice, Miss Manners said the parents were “shirking their job” of disciplining their son and wondered why any parent would bring children to church “when they are not prepared to teach the children to behave respectfully.”

I hope Miss Manners will consider the notion that it’s entirely possible that the parents of that boy were in fact attempting to maintain decorum by allowing their son to quietly play with his video game.

My son has ADHD. Like many kids with this diagnosis – not to mention other disabilities – he has trouble sitting still, paying attention to something that doesn’t hold his interest and speaking in a quiet voice. Because his GameBoy allows him to focus and concentrate on something he enjoys, it has been a useful tool in managing his behavior and settling him down when he’s feeling restless or agitated. I thank God everyday for my son’s GameBoy because it has allowed our family to take long car trips, eat in nice restaurants, and travel by plane and cruise ship without having to exclude him.

Those parents could have left their son with a babysitter. But then how would they ever introduce their faith to their child? That was my thinking when, for the children’s High Holiday services at our temple this year, I went with my purse filled with Scooby Doo books and Batman action figures. Of course I was hoping that the Rabbi’s stories, the Cantor’s singing and the shofar blowing would be enough to engage my son. But if they weren’t, my choices would be to either leave the service or find something to interest him.

Research shows that many children with hyperactivity are perfectly capable of dividing their attention between multiple tasks without affecting their comprehension. So it’s entirely possible that the boy at church heard – and processed – every word of the Sunday service. (The advice-seeker said he stood at the appropriate times while still playing his game.)

Parents can do their best to teach proper behavior but there will always be children with special needs who are limited in their abilities to conform to society’s expectations. As long as the child isn’t disruptive, his presence should not be a concern for those around him. As the mother of not one, but two special needs children, I would ask others not to make assumptions about others’ parenting effectiveness.

In this scenario, the advice-seeker saw parents who failed to teach their child respectful behavior. I see parents who, possibly, in respect to their child’s limitations, succeeded at teaching their child how to be part of a community in his own way. For this boy, it was playing video games in church. For another child, it might mean showing up to temple in old sneakers because the more appropriate dress shoes are painfully uncomfortable. Some kids may need to attend a service from the back of the sanctuary where they can pace or move around without disturbing others. I’m fairly confident God doesn’t mind.

They are, of course, how He made them.

Respectfully,

Debbie Feit